Why Chuck Bass Ruined My Life:
By Becky Brinkerhoff
Imagine an impressionable, innocent, eighth grader flipping through the channels on a Monday night—after completing her homework, of course. She stumbles upon a new T.V. show about beautiful people in an extravagant world. How could a feminine, sparkle-obsessed eighth grader click her way past that? So, she sat for the hour-long pilot episode and found a new love, or slight obsession, for the “scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite.” Flash forward five seasons and five years later, that same girl sits cuddled in her dorm room at two in the morning watching Gossip Girl (with an 8:00 am the next morning) as her computer screen glows on her face. That girl is me. As pathetic as this obsession is, I am up to two episodes a day. I kicked the stuff for a good two years, but in a recent chain of events, a friend’s suitemate tempted me into watching the preview for the new season. I should have said no. I should have just left, should have gone and done my homework, should have done anything, anything, anything but get a taste of my past guilty pleasure. But as soon as Chuck Bass flashed on the screen, I was hooked, yet again. It was a slippery slope that I found myself guiltily tumbling down. Hours of sleep lost, papers never edited.
I started analyzing myself to figure out just what it was that kept me so addicted to this T.V. drama. I’ll give you a hint: he wears scarves in seasons one and two, is the infamous bad boy of the upper east side, slept with his best friends ex in the back of a limo (season 1 episode 5 victor/victrola with Sum 41’s With You within the last minute of the episode…I mean, what?). I fell in love with idea of unearthly seductive basshole, Chuck. Chuck: intellectual bad boy with a sweet side complete seductive powers that could not possibly be found with in the bounds of high school (or in my limited experiences of freshman year.) So, here are (some of) the reasons detailing why Chuck Bass ruined my life.
- Gossip Girl gave me utterly unrealistic expectation of what boys could be like in high school. However, the most disillusioning aspect of Chuck is that he is tamed by the headstrong Blair Waldorf. I mean, come on, I had always noticed the similarities between Blair and I: a dramatic, headstrong, irritable, stubborn brunette with a love of headbands. If she could tame a challenging bad boy, couldn’t I? WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. WRONG. No Becky, you cannot control people like Blair can. Why? Because you are not Blair.
- Chuck and Blair circle around each other for FIVE seasons. They flip flop back and forth, sleep with each other’s friends, and are somehow able to get back together with little to no trust issues to mess it up. Hmmm, that’s realistic.
- If a guy tries trade you—sexually—for a hotel (Season 3, in the Episode 18 which is called "The Unblairable Lightness of Being"….), you should definitely continue to date him. Right?
- Chuck is smooth to say the least and is ridiculously, unrealistically assertive starting from season one, when he is in high school. Let me tell you, high school boys do NOT have the same level of smoothness. Boys just don’t come up behind you, whisper in your ear, use lines like “a suite of amour makes for a cold bed fellow”, trace your collar bone lightly, and then blatantly ask you to make love to him (Season two episode three with Blair in a yellow wrap dress…no I have not watched that scene over and over again). That is not high school level seduction. It’s just not.
- Boys don’t wear Burberry scarves.
- Chuck says no to having sex with Blair, a lot. If a girl is sitting on her bed (in red La Perla lingerie), a guy is not going to politely decline because the girl won’t tell him she loves him (season two episode seven…).
- Boys do not give you beautiful designer necklaces and say, “something this beautiful deserves to be on someone worthy of its beauty.” Lines like that just don’t happen in real life. Trust me, I’ve been waiting for them.
- Chuck and Blair have the perfect amount of challenge, chase, romanticism, sexual tension, drama, caring…must I continue? It’s girl porn. Period. Just… pure porn. Unrealistic porn.
Elevators
By Aiden Richardson
There are some beautiful situations in life that provide an endless amount of awkward moments and exchanges. One of my personal favorites is the elevator. Why do we ride elevators in complete silence? Think about it. You step on the platform with several strangers, you quietly mutter your floor number, press the button, and return to some part of the elevator safely distanced from the rest of the congregation. Then, we exchange friendly eye contact with the people around us without actually speaking to them, simply to break some sort of boundary of acknowledging each other's existence. Whats next? We shuffle nervously back and forth in total silence for ten to twenty seconds because there's no technical need to start a conversation; we all know the elevator ride will end shortly enough. But thats the beauty of the elevator, sometimes its just long enough that you start to feel like you should ask about your fellow vertical traveler's day. You could always start up a short conversation, right? But then you think about that awkward moment that will come about when they have to get off while in the midst of answering a question to a total stranger they will likely never see again. It's fantastic, in my opinion, in a sense of comedic potential.
The next time you're on an elevator and you find yourself in a silent situation with a few strangers, see how intense of a conversation you can start within the parameters of the short elevator ride. Start with small talk, ask them about their work, their school, etc. but show so much interest that when they're about to get off you ask a complicated question like, “But what kind of economic stimulus do you think that requires?” Ask something bizarre that they have to think about after already starting to step off. As they attempt to nod to you as if to say “goodbye, nice talking to you” suddenly you've sprung something complicated on them and they find themselves standing in the doors of an elevator unsure of whether to answer the stranger they'll probably never see again or just walk away. Maybe they'll say something like “Oh, that's a conversation for another time” but you both know you probably wont ever talk again.
Then there's the beauty of the conversation interception on an elevator. You get on the elevator and there are two or more people that know each other, carrying on a conversation. You're just another person on the elevator and the normal thing to do is to hear the people's conversation but pretend as if you're not listening to it because you don't know these people. Defy that social boundary, it’ll be worth it in the end. “So I told her I couldn't make it because I was just too busy ya know?” One guy might say to his friend as you're standing there. “Too busy huh? Ha, I think I know what you mean” is what you can respond with an implicative wink after you say “mean.” Suddenly you've broken a huge communication boundary and the two friends are weirded out as to if they should respond and how they possibly can. The suggestive wink could mean all kinds of things; its on them to take it how they want to. If one of the people does respond, they’ll probably just laugh uncomfortably and look at you. Or maybe they’ll just pretend they didn't hear you when they clearly did. They will pretend they couldn't hear you over the elevator music. Really? We all know that repetitive jazz melody is so quiet and unnoticeable that it couldn't even begin to drone out a conversation. Either way, you deserve a pat on the back for rejecting the illusion of conversational privacy on an elevator.
The reverse of this situation is equally enjoyable. You're on an elevator with your fellow elevator strangers standing there in silence. At this moment in time, nothing is better than a personal phone call that these strangers are forced to overhear. Maybe you could happen to be in the middle of a break up conversation with your boyfriend/girlfriend. In the midst of sad remarks and questions throw out a dramatic “I just can't believe you're doing this..wait who is that in the background? Is that my brother? What is he doing at your apartment?!” People don't want to show any sign of reaction. Some will react only with their eyes, some will keep a straight/blank face no matter what you're phone conversation is about. But if you talk in a whisper and seem legitimately upset, no one will question the validity of the phone call. Even easier is just a bizarre conversation that people have to overhear. Talk about how long its been since you last showered. “Jeez, was it last Tuesday? No, wow it must have been the day after the party so about 8 days I guess. Oh well.” Sure, some people will know what you're doing, but there are plenty of gullible people who will go tell a friend about their crazy experience on the elevator that day. Even if you've given yourself a bad rep, you made their day a little more interesting for sure.
It's always fun to test people's nerves. See how annoying you have to be before someone will react. When you get on an elevator with a group of people, after everyone has pressed their floor and the doors have closed, begin slowly and blatantly pressing each and every floor one by one. Take two seconds to press each button and give everyone a chance to realize you are going to slowly press every single floor on the elevator. The funny thing is, people would rather just not say anything than call you out. Maybe someone will ask why you're pressing every button, but they'll have to muster up the courage for at least a little while. In the end, no one will feel comfortable saying anything to you as the entire elevator spends an extra couple minutes stopping at each floor, waiting for no one to get on or off. Of course, don't laugh or make eye contact with anyone once you're done. That ruins the fun of it. They have to be completely lost as to why you did it and why you would want to. Also, don't seem phased by the wait at each floor. Appear to be content in your own world, enjoying your incredibly long elevator ride.
Crowded elevators are always a good time. We've all been on an elevator so packed that you can't move your arms without bumping into people. Thats the perfect time to take out your phone, drop it, and slowly bump into people as you try to pick it up off the floor. Make sure to apologize profusely as you nudge people on your way down to get it and back up again. Then drop it again and sigh and repeat the process a few more times. Each time you drop it the elevator will get more frustrated, but no one will say anything to you because its just too awkward to say what you're really thinking. People, in their heads, will say, “If this guy drops his phone one more time i'm going to flip out”, but they wont; they won't dare cross that conversation boundary. Maybe after the fourth time someone will say something, because at that point it’ll appear blatantly intentional, but you can get away with three phone drops and the results will be very enjoyable.
Finally, its always a good idea to play the “name game” when you're on an elevator. The name game being the idea of calling a stranger a familiar name and then pretending you thought they were someone you knew. When someone first steps on the elevator look at them excitedly and say something like “Jake! Hey how are you?!” Of course they'll say something like, “Thats not my name” and laugh, then explain that you know someone who looks just like them named Jake, for example. Say something like “small world” and laugh to yourself. The key with this one is to not make eye contact or say a word for the rest of the elevator ride. That person will be beyond weirded out by the complete silence after such a bizarre encounter. It'll be worth it just to see them quickly dart off the elevator when their floor arrives.
Although these pranks are weird, and they certainly do not do your reputation any good, they are harmless and it's an elevator. To a certain point, anything goes. You might wonder, whats my point with this? And really I'd say, its just amusing to take a normalized social situation and play with it. Elevator rides are boring and uneventful so of course it will be interesting when you turn the elevator into a place for random social interaction. The quiet vertical transportation that creates awkward exchanges for the world day to day can suddenly be a playground for comedy. In the end, you'll make life a little more interesting for whoever you encountered that day on the elevator.
The next time you're on an elevator and you find yourself in a silent situation with a few strangers, see how intense of a conversation you can start within the parameters of the short elevator ride. Start with small talk, ask them about their work, their school, etc. but show so much interest that when they're about to get off you ask a complicated question like, “But what kind of economic stimulus do you think that requires?” Ask something bizarre that they have to think about after already starting to step off. As they attempt to nod to you as if to say “goodbye, nice talking to you” suddenly you've sprung something complicated on them and they find themselves standing in the doors of an elevator unsure of whether to answer the stranger they'll probably never see again or just walk away. Maybe they'll say something like “Oh, that's a conversation for another time” but you both know you probably wont ever talk again.
Then there's the beauty of the conversation interception on an elevator. You get on the elevator and there are two or more people that know each other, carrying on a conversation. You're just another person on the elevator and the normal thing to do is to hear the people's conversation but pretend as if you're not listening to it because you don't know these people. Defy that social boundary, it’ll be worth it in the end. “So I told her I couldn't make it because I was just too busy ya know?” One guy might say to his friend as you're standing there. “Too busy huh? Ha, I think I know what you mean” is what you can respond with an implicative wink after you say “mean.” Suddenly you've broken a huge communication boundary and the two friends are weirded out as to if they should respond and how they possibly can. The suggestive wink could mean all kinds of things; its on them to take it how they want to. If one of the people does respond, they’ll probably just laugh uncomfortably and look at you. Or maybe they’ll just pretend they didn't hear you when they clearly did. They will pretend they couldn't hear you over the elevator music. Really? We all know that repetitive jazz melody is so quiet and unnoticeable that it couldn't even begin to drone out a conversation. Either way, you deserve a pat on the back for rejecting the illusion of conversational privacy on an elevator.
The reverse of this situation is equally enjoyable. You're on an elevator with your fellow elevator strangers standing there in silence. At this moment in time, nothing is better than a personal phone call that these strangers are forced to overhear. Maybe you could happen to be in the middle of a break up conversation with your boyfriend/girlfriend. In the midst of sad remarks and questions throw out a dramatic “I just can't believe you're doing this..wait who is that in the background? Is that my brother? What is he doing at your apartment?!” People don't want to show any sign of reaction. Some will react only with their eyes, some will keep a straight/blank face no matter what you're phone conversation is about. But if you talk in a whisper and seem legitimately upset, no one will question the validity of the phone call. Even easier is just a bizarre conversation that people have to overhear. Talk about how long its been since you last showered. “Jeez, was it last Tuesday? No, wow it must have been the day after the party so about 8 days I guess. Oh well.” Sure, some people will know what you're doing, but there are plenty of gullible people who will go tell a friend about their crazy experience on the elevator that day. Even if you've given yourself a bad rep, you made their day a little more interesting for sure.
It's always fun to test people's nerves. See how annoying you have to be before someone will react. When you get on an elevator with a group of people, after everyone has pressed their floor and the doors have closed, begin slowly and blatantly pressing each and every floor one by one. Take two seconds to press each button and give everyone a chance to realize you are going to slowly press every single floor on the elevator. The funny thing is, people would rather just not say anything than call you out. Maybe someone will ask why you're pressing every button, but they'll have to muster up the courage for at least a little while. In the end, no one will feel comfortable saying anything to you as the entire elevator spends an extra couple minutes stopping at each floor, waiting for no one to get on or off. Of course, don't laugh or make eye contact with anyone once you're done. That ruins the fun of it. They have to be completely lost as to why you did it and why you would want to. Also, don't seem phased by the wait at each floor. Appear to be content in your own world, enjoying your incredibly long elevator ride.
Crowded elevators are always a good time. We've all been on an elevator so packed that you can't move your arms without bumping into people. Thats the perfect time to take out your phone, drop it, and slowly bump into people as you try to pick it up off the floor. Make sure to apologize profusely as you nudge people on your way down to get it and back up again. Then drop it again and sigh and repeat the process a few more times. Each time you drop it the elevator will get more frustrated, but no one will say anything to you because its just too awkward to say what you're really thinking. People, in their heads, will say, “If this guy drops his phone one more time i'm going to flip out”, but they wont; they won't dare cross that conversation boundary. Maybe after the fourth time someone will say something, because at that point it’ll appear blatantly intentional, but you can get away with three phone drops and the results will be very enjoyable.
Finally, its always a good idea to play the “name game” when you're on an elevator. The name game being the idea of calling a stranger a familiar name and then pretending you thought they were someone you knew. When someone first steps on the elevator look at them excitedly and say something like “Jake! Hey how are you?!” Of course they'll say something like, “Thats not my name” and laugh, then explain that you know someone who looks just like them named Jake, for example. Say something like “small world” and laugh to yourself. The key with this one is to not make eye contact or say a word for the rest of the elevator ride. That person will be beyond weirded out by the complete silence after such a bizarre encounter. It'll be worth it just to see them quickly dart off the elevator when their floor arrives.
Although these pranks are weird, and they certainly do not do your reputation any good, they are harmless and it's an elevator. To a certain point, anything goes. You might wonder, whats my point with this? And really I'd say, its just amusing to take a normalized social situation and play with it. Elevator rides are boring and uneventful so of course it will be interesting when you turn the elevator into a place for random social interaction. The quiet vertical transportation that creates awkward exchanges for the world day to day can suddenly be a playground for comedy. In the end, you'll make life a little more interesting for whoever you encountered that day on the elevator.
Ode to Jersey Shore
By Michelle Douvris
The Jersey Shore: subject of a wildly popular yet somewhat offensive MTV reality show, recent victim to Hurricane Sandy, home. All of these things represent what the Jersey Shore is to different groups of people. But to me, it’s the place where I grew up. The wafting smells of funnel cakes and of too much sunscreen, the tourists and locals with sandy toes, and the colorful splatter of umbrellas on the beach have all become second nature to me over the years. To some people a trip to the shore is a special treat, a vacation, but for me I have regretfully let the area and its excitement be something I took for granted. In fact, this past summer I can count the number of times I went to the beach on one hand- and I live only 5 minutes away.
I wish I could go back in time. If I could have known what would happen, I would have gone to the beach every day this summer. I would make sure to set aside time to swing by before work to plop down in a beach chair in front of the majestic Atlantic Ocean and take in the beauty of it all. The beauty that can’t be ruined even by those severely sunburnt, plump older men who think they’re above sunscreen. Because that’s not one of the things that you should focus on when you’re at the Jersey Shore. What you should focus on are the laughing toddlers taking their first steps into the water, the elderly couples walking hand in hand along the boardwalk, the friends who are entertained for hours by a simple Frisbee or a football. However, it’s hard to focus on these things now. Because now that Hurricane Sandy has hit the Jersey Shore, I don’t know the next time I’ll be able to witness them.
New Jersey has typically been a stranger to natural disasters. Hurricanes and tornadoes are basically nonexistent, and earthquakes are weak and felt by a selective few. So to tell you the least, no one could have expected the horrific impact of Hurricane Sandy. I know that I definitely did not expect many of my highschool friends to have severe damage to their homes, or for my brother to have two weeks off from school. I definitely didn’t think that my home would by wrecked by something significant enough to make major headlines and even prompt a televised benefit concert headlined by major stars. These things just don’t happen where I’m from.
Yet this isn’t just something that I can pretend never happened, that I can try to forget about. I may be in Boston, far from my ravaged home, but it has affected me just as much as if I were physically present. And I tell you, the emotional feeling of helplessness is much worse than it seems. I tried to stay of Facebook and Twitter and to avoid all the pictures of destruction that my family and friends were posting, but it was impossible. I needed to feel like I was going through this with them. I needed to feel like I was part of this journey, no matter how terrible.
Jersey is and always will be my home. Being in college has made me look into the future and think about my career aspirations and where I will end up to hopefully pursue my dreams. I dreamed of leaving my small town to move to a big city. But this storm has really put a lot into perspective for me. I now appreciate my home more than ever before. I am so lucky that I got to grow up in a place so resilient and full of everyday heroes. Despite the bad reputation that Snooki and The Situation have given us, I am proud to be from the Jersey Shore. I am Jersey Strong.
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